Fighting...and crying...

Oh today was another hard day!! On that note I can always tell when I'm heading down the right path with God...my days are rarely easy. Some days God will give me a break and I can breathe, but if I'm really in the right direction (especially if I'm fighting a certain area like now) things come at me all the time!! Anyway...yeah today was not easy. In fact it was probably the hardest in a week. I was in tears at school...doing my best to hold it back. But it didn't last during 2nd period, I laid my head on my desk and cried for just a little bit...long enough to get it out but not for them to worry about me.

I fell asleep during 1st, cuz I was really tired this morning, and had this dream. I was at home group (or at least with the same people at the same place, maybe not same time) and pretty much totally secluded myself. My friend tried to come over and make sure I was okay and I just freaked out on her. I ran outside in tears telling God that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve their love, I didn't deserve for them to stick around for any length of time. No one had before, why should any of them. Some of the girls came out and tried to comfort me and held me, and yet the whole time I just kept saying "I don't deserve it" I wanted to run. And then I woke up...ready to cry. I grabbed my Bible and my notebook that I now take with me almost everywhere, and began to write. Writing, for me, is theraputic which is why I write all of this down. I am so confused about what are lies and what are truth. Most of it is so easy to believe. I know the truth, but I'm finding it hard to seperate the lies from the truth. I'm not sure why, I've been reading my Bible everyday...even when I haven't wanted to or whatever...and it never ceases to amaze me when I do finally read it.

I want so badly to be a good friend. I've heard all my life that to have friends you have to be a friend. I try so hard, but all my relationships have been either me helping them through something or them helping me through something...never both ways. The greatest desire of my heart is to have someone (I'll be happy with just one) that I can hang out with and talk to about anything and be there for them when they need me to be. And part of me is ready to give up that desire. God has never failed me, and every time he's given me exactly what I need in the perfect time. But I am still ready to give up the desires of my heart because I don't see that they will ever come.

Yesterday, My friend's mom sat with me outside and we got to enjoy the most beautiful part of creation (ok it's tied for first, seeing the sunset on the cliff at Lake Texhoma was pretty awesome too!!) and we just talked, mostly about books and school, but I still enjoyed it. Someone took time with me. An older (she's six years older than me) friend used to be the only one and I love her for it, but I had begun to wonder if she would be the only one.

I know that in my own way I'm pushing them away. They might not know it now, but I feel it. As I pull away out of fear, I push them away too. I got through the day and can now smile, but I'm still scared. I'm still ready to cry. I want things to change, I want to be a good friend to people, someone that people can count on, but I want to have people I can count on too. I'll fail them plenty, and they will too, that's just being human, but when they do fail, it's up to me to let them back in again.

Ok so those are my feelings on the day. God is really drawing me to him, that much I know. I will get through this, I will survive, he will never give me more than I can handle. I will make it and have close friends that I can actually have fun with...not just feel like a lump on a log taking up space. Sorry if this is super depressing for you to read...One day...you'll hear about how amazing my day was...but until then I'm making myself transparent so that maybe this healing process can go a little faster than the last few times. Thanks to those of you who are helping me through this...I looke forward to the day when we can look back at this and see my growth...and God's power through it all!!! :)

Quote: "Listen to her now, broken is a beautiful sound. She's a little scared. She's afraid of falling further down. But maybe if you let her know, and gave her just a little hope, somehow if she knew the truth, she'd come alive." - Fireflight from their song "More Than a Love Song" off their Healing of Harms cd!