Finding the Freedom I've Wanted for Years...

Ah freedom. I've searched for years and tried to give things up, but I always held back. I never found my freedom. I found relief, but not what I wanted, what I needed. My past is full of junk. A life with few or no friends for a person that loves people. I helped those I could and then got put out by them because they only wanted my advice, not friendship. I ignored the hurt it caused me. I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough for them. That something was really wrong with me. I couldn't hear the truth that God wanted me to know. I knew God, I knew that he loved me and wouldn't let me down. I heard him speak to me, but I didn't listen when he tried to covince me I was worth something. I was hurt, and slowly allowing Satan to kill me inside beliving that my life was nothing to anyone.

And then I went to Firewheel. Suddenly I had people surrounding me and talking to me like a normal human. Like I was worth speaking to. People my age that smiled at me when I walked up. And eventually got scared. Terrified even of all the things that could go wrong. Remembering all the times people left me. Trying to make friends and yet totally scared to. FOCUS weekend came along. And for some time I had been trying to let go. Saturday morning I wrote down about how scared I was of making friends. Scared of being loved. Scared of losing them all. The things I had desired for so many years I was scared of. Saturday I had to go to work. While there I searched my Bible during my break for anything to help me. I searched for truth and hope and trying to learn how to have the relationships I wanted so badly.

And then I got to go to FOCUS with the rest of the group not just my small group. Runks talked about coming home. About getting up and moving forward. And I knew it was time. So I went up and then out and through a series of God timed events was paired with someone who knew exactly what was going on in my life. It was good cuz it saved time. She began to pray over me and prayed that I would let go and that my past would no longer define me. And as she prayed I let go. To the point that I was crying...and not the gentle tears I usually get away with. These were deep pain-filled tears that had been held back for 10 years. And then when I had let go enough to hear the truth...I did. I heard God telling me I was beautiful, forgiven, free, loved, worth it, and that I deserved it. It was surreal. And then as I'm crying I am laughing and so happy.

Now I still have a fight ahead of me. It's really hard to silence lies you've believed all your life. Today has been a great day...but yesterday was such a challenge. But with God I know I can do it. I've got people to uphold me this time. This time I'm not questioning God's love for me...I'm just trying to get past the belief that everyone is going to leave me. And I will. I know I will. I have like 4 verses in place to encourage me in the worst time. I must beat this!! I will find freedom in my friendships!!

Keep me in your prayers! I love you all!!

Quote: "You are worth it. You are loved and you deserve it." - God! :)