I'll Only Mess It Up

You know this title is a little ironic for me. I am in fact a bit of a perfectionist. (My friends and family may beg to differ and say it's more than just a bit, but they can think whatever.) One of my biggest fears has always been making a mistake. I hate even the thought of messing up. And when it does happen, I take it out on myself and find all the ways that I could have not messed it up...doesn't make for a pretty thought life! So it's interesting to me that I would be talking about this in such a way.

I'm talking about my life story. You know the whole "it's time to figure out what your next step will be, what will you do with the rest of your life?" awkward time! Gosh I have no idea! And if I were to answer that question...I would only mess it up. See things right now are not exactly going the way my perfectionist brain would love for them too. Right now I look at things and pieces aren't fitting together the way I want them too. I see holes and places that things should be happening, but aren't. My time line just isn't being put into place.

I have to give it to God. He has to write my story. If I do, I'll only mess it up. He knows exactly where it's going. Right now I'm in the stage of sitting right next to Him, watching him write. But I'm being that annoying child, or friend, or parent, or whoever and saying things like: "Shouldn't you be doing this?" or "Wait, isn't this supposed to happen now?" or "Why did you do it that way?" I'm letting him write it, but pointing out all the mistakes. One step away from taking the pen and writing it myself. But tonight as I struggled with one aspect of this story not going my way, I remembered the times I wrote the story myself.
I remembered the heartache I caused myself.
I remembered all the mistakes I made.
I remembered having to backtrack and go through things I thought I had avoided.
I remembered feeling so isolated from the God I so desire to serve.
I didn't want that again.
So I gave God control of the pen. Stopped looking over his shoulder for all the mistakes and said "You know best. You know my best. You know what is best for me. Nothing is a mistake when left to you. You are perfect, your plan is perfect, you way is perfect. I want that way, the best way, the perfect way."

That doesn't mean life is suddenly easy. I still have questions. I still wonder about some of these holes. I still want to know the next step. I'm still going to struggle with trying to take over, but in those times I have to remember that His plan is perfect and worth it all! Don't try to write your own story...you'll only mess it up. If you want perfection...give it to the only one who will ever be perfect! Give it to God...let Him write your story. It won't always go your way, but you won't have a life full of regret. You decide!

Been a Long Time

So I kinda abandoned my blog for awhile! I'm not sure why...I didn't stop writing! I used Facebook Notes more (granted I know more of my friends read that than this) but for those of you not on Facebook...you've been missing out!

First of all camp was 2 weeks ago! It was my first camp with my new church. It was also my last camp as a student. So it was a trying time for me as I found myself missing my old church people and trying to find a place with this new church. It kinda hurt and I sadly hurt one of my greatest friends because I was hurt...but we got it worked out and I made sure I apologized! So I got through it and grew because of it!

Camp was awesome...learned a lot. But this year was different in that I actually learned more when I came home. I dove deep into the Word, I was seeking hard after God, and still am, I wanted so much more!! It was really awesome as I discovered things that needed to be taken care of, sins that had been hidden...whatever I just kept growing. I went through a dry spell within days of returning...reading my Bible was an extreme challenge and my head was flooded with questions and confusion. I was able to push through and though not on a "high" I am no longer constantly fighting a state of lethargy! (not sure if that's a word...oh well)

So that was that...next in my life...my first missions trip!! I leave in 11 days for Barranquilla, Colombia!! I am super excited...but it just became real today! I got an email from a lady at church telling those of us going that the commissioning was going to be this coming Sunday and we needed to be there near the end of both services if possible! And suddenly it hit me...I am going to a foreign country really soon! I started to freak out as I thought of all the things that haven't been done and that I need to start considering packing...it was crazy my mind just took off! Yet in a more calm fashion I got one shopping trip completed, I broke down and signed up for Twitter so I at least attempt quick updates for everyone, and I got some things together.

Wow...it's a little crazy!! However I am learning that God has a perfect plan, has my life under control even when I feel like it's out of control, and that it's always better when I leave it up to him!! All in all...my life is great. I'm learning, I'm writing, I'm growing...and at times I'm hurting...but I'm also healing. And I'm leaving my life in God's hands cuz he won't mess it up like I will!!! :)

Quote: "Life is like a puzzle...and only God knows where the pieces fit perfectly without trying every side!" -Someone may have said it...otherwise I made it up