Temper Temper/ The Disquinguishing Light 7/24/08

Well for some reason this has been like pulling teeth trying to make myself type this up. I'm not sure exactly what is going on inside me. I know that I miss camp and I find myself wanting to talk to the people that I met and I haven't had that chance really...but that shouldn't make me feel down. So I apologize for allowing my anger and frustration keep me from writing this for nearly 2 days now. I finally talked it all out with one of my amazing close to home friends and I feel better...not happy about it...but more willing to have his will done. So now onto Thursday of camp.

The day was fun. During the morning session a guy talked to the high school kids about placing a value on people not based on outward appearance. Then we had morning slam where 2 of our members did a thing in the freak and talent show...pretty cool! Then we had reflection a time when all the groups split up and talk about the week and stuff like that. After that we spent nearly 2 hours at the pool where I burned and have actually tanned now! That was really all we did...other than take our final camp shower! Then it was time to head off to the final session of the week...tear! Since it's the final session it was Rev. Spike's turn (his hair is always spiky and he always does the last session) Spike is the COTH Youth Pastor...tons of energy...not as much as Wayne...but super cool guy that is always kind! Anyway he talked about light because that was the theme of the year (see title). However about 1/2 of his sermon was done in the DARK!! He got up and began to talk about how good light was and such. Then he said..."but you know you can't really appreciate the light, until you've been in the dark." And I'm sure you can guess at that moment all the lights went out. Then he began to tell us of the senior pastor's vision of hell he had a few months ago. They had a recording that we listened to...I'll sum it all up. He found himself looking into complete blackness. Once he realized what he was seeing he thought about the fire the Bible talks about. He then realized that the darkness of hell was so overpowering that even the light from fire couldn't break thorugh. As he looked harder he began to see little wave type things...he realized that those waves were people moving. They were all screaming and crying out. Then it was over (said exactly on the tape). Once the tape stopped we began to hear screams, strobe lights flashed, and we saw a black covered box that had little waves. One by one people crawled out and they came down the isle screaming. Through all of this the lights are out. Every once in awhile they would come back on...I wrote as much down as I possibly could. Once he was finished he gave one last call to those who wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit...I didn't go down but something he said made me check myself and have a nice help me out God moment. He said the Holy Spirit will always give you strength...we just have to use it. I haven't been and I know it...so I had to call my own bluff and open up to God about it...it was nothing new to him. Then we spent lots of time in prayer...the last night usually goes that way.

My friend and I saw the girl that prayed over us the night before...and hey if you're into getting expensive gifts for people...I will gladly let you buy me Chance by Chanel (she was wearing it Wednesday and OMg it smelled amazing...I love it and one day will have it!!!) I got pictures with the people I want to always remember. The girl informed me that she'll be doing all 8 weeks of Ristakers and told me to at least do a week of camp...little did she know God added all 3 weeks to my "List of Things to do Before Going to College" for next summer...that's even more exciting gives me more to look forward to!! After service my friend and I went to the Cliffhanger and had snowcones...our last ones for the year :( Bedtime was later...we got ot stay out until 12:30 and lights out wasn't until 1. We got all packed up so that tomorrow we would have plenty of time to clean so we oculd get outta there...of course I wasn't in that big of a hurry...I'm still not.

Quote: "When Jesus saw the pain in our life he took our place to right the wrong. We need to have that same love for others." - Monica Pankratz

So Many Tears... 7/23/08

Well Wednesday was a very interesting day and honestly the day that stuck with many of us the most. We again started the day by cleaning up our dorm so it could be beautiful for the dorm checkers! The morning session was actually really hard to listen to. We split up guys and girls in separate rooms and some lady talked to us about how to remain close to God. It was lots of good information but she talked monotone and I was sleepy...not a good combination. In Morning Slam we had a competition between all the teams. They chose 2 people (a guy and a girl) from each team to do these crazy things. First one person had to stand on a chair while the other laid on the ground and the chair person had to drop chocolate covered marshmallows into the other persons mouth. That person had to transfer them to a bowl placed next to them. Our team lost that round and was eliminated! Then they did something else before having to eat crickets...nasty! A few of them almost threw up but managed to keep it all down. Then they had to pop balloons filled with shaving cream between their backs. Then one person had a sponge on their head while the other had a bowl behind them. They had to dip the sponges into ice cold water and squeeze it into the bowl off the other persons back! After that they had to drink this mix of food all blended together. I won't go into detail about what was in it...just know that it's gross to see 4 people throw up at the SAME TIME!!! Yeah I almost didn't make it through that one!!

After all of that Monica spoke to us again only this time talked about Righting What Evil has Wronged. She talked about what that means and why it's our job and things like that. It was easier to listen to because Monica has always found a way to catch my interest just by the way she presents things.


After all of that it was lunch time. Our Jr. High Youth Pastors had to leave before 3 that day so they could get home. They had no one to watch their kids after her parents left Thursday morning and his foot was swollen from when he sprained it the weekend before we left! Here's a pic of his foot so you can see why he left! Before they left we headed up to the rock wall so I could find my way up it and down the zip line!! I love zip lines!! I made it, even over the box they had in my way. The guy only helped me at the top when fatigue began to take it's toll. The rest of the way he actually gave me slack, so I felt very proud of myself for my accomplishments! After the youth pastors left we just hung around and waited for our high school yp's wife to arrive.

While we were waiting something in my spirit just felt a little off. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't joyful either. I wasn't enjoying myself and I just felt burdened by something. At dinner everyone else from my yg left except one girl who despite her young age tries so hard to uplift me. I just sat in my seat and cried. It was unexplainable. I headed back to the dorm and our yp had arrived and we chatted awhile about the happenings of the week. Before it was time to head out for service.

At service this guy named Wayne Northrup spoke. He was like super hyper and obviously had like ADD/ADHD because if he wasn't talking his mouth was moving somehow. He paced the stage the whole time and when he sat down he just fidgeted! He talked about our story. He asked us what our story was. He read to us about the woman with the blood problem that stopped him on his way to heal a girl by reaching out to him. He talked about us being commanded to come to him as little children and he asked what children always do. They always interrupt their parents so that they can have their attention. He talked about the blind man in Jericho who shouted through the crowd "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me." These people interrupted God so they would have his full attention so that they could find their healing. He challenged us that if we were in need of anything...then one by one we were to stand up and shout (not speak) "Jesus, have mercy on me, I need you!" One by one we stood and shouted. The room was filled with moans of agony and tear filled screams. They kept standing I was like the 4th person and was just praising God. From every corner you heard someone shout those exact words. Then it hit me. What I had said, what I had just done hit me. What I was scared of hit me. And I began to pray..."God help me. I'm scared of going to school. I'm scared of standing alone." And then I went deeper and said "No I'm terrified...help me!" And suddenly I began to weep. The tears that I had held off came like a rushing waterfall. Then after we had finished and there were no more shouts he called the leaders to the front to face the students. The tears just kept falling. He said students I want you to when I say go find leader, go to them and tell them your story. Tell them whatever it is you need to get out and tell them your story. Interrupt God tonight and find your healing. After he said go we headed like a tidal wave to the front. We knew this was our chance. As I stood in traffic I felt something within me desire to turn around. So I did and noticed there were others at the back that no one had seen. I zoned in on one girl but ignored anything that may have said go to her. I turned back around only to be told by the UCrew (ushers) to head to the back. I followed the crowd to turned left like everyone else. I watched as people found a person and I walked by about 3 open people and never felt a need to stop. I looked ahead and noticed that for some reason there was like a hole between 2 people. I watched about 10-15 people walk right by never thinking twice about it. I got there and looked over and realized it was the same girl I had seen the first time I turned around. She reached out and grabbed me and just held me. She let me cry until I could calm down enough to speak. Once I did it all came out. And she held me tighter and just began to pray. I told her of my fear of going back to school. I told her of my past, of the hurts, of the sins...and she only held me tighter. She prayed that my past would no longer hold me back...this girl was truly hearing from God cuz I never told her that. She prayed that my fear would be gone and His strength loosed in my life. But more than that she let me cry. I didn't realize until that moment how much I still hurt and how much I was tired of crying alone. How much I had desired someone to just hold me while God and I had our encounter. And she did just that, she held me, she pryaed over me, and let God do all the work in my life. Her shirt was so wet. At one point I thought maybe I was okay that I could go back and be fine...but for some reason I couldn't. She read it perfectly and stayed with me until I was controlled enough to speak again. Before I left she encouraged me to read my Bible everyday. Even if all I could get was 3 minutes a day in...God could still work in my life. She assured me that it would be boring, but that was just something that we would have to work through and persevere. She told that if each night before going to bed I took the time to rebuke Satan's hold in my life and the lives of my family and in my house...that he would have no foothold. She left me with one final prayer and a hug. I went back with my youth group and me and 2 other girls just sat there in tears for the next 30 mins. I will never forget her or the impact she made in my life just for the 45 mins that I was with her.

This has really been hard to write. I wasn't expecting it to be and for some reason I find myself in tears again. I thank God so much for working through her to speak into my life and I know He will bless her for reaching out to me!

Quote: "Passion demands expression" - Natalie Pankratz

Spirit-Filled?! 7/22/08

So today was dad's b-day...and so much happened to celebrate without him. We started the day by cleaning our dorm so that we could get some major points for escapades. This is a contest between 10 teams made up of a guys dorm and a girls dorm and whoever has the most points at the end of the week wins. You get points different ways and this is one of them! Plus it was crazy day...the person who dressed the craziest won points for their team and while we didn't win we did dress up!

A guy named Tommy Cruise spoke to the 11th and 12th graders in the morning. He spoke about making decisions and how every decision we make has a consequence be it good or bad, it influences those around us, and it affects our lives. After Morning Slam Natalie spoke to us until lunch time. She talked about praise and worship and why worship God and htings like that. It was cool for me because I am a musical person. One of the things she hit on was that music creates a mood. Like anytime I hear a sad song I begin to feel the sadness. So many times if I know it's sad and I'm happy at the moment I change it so as not to ruin my good mood!!

During free time our guys entered the volleyball tournament they have every year, but they lost!! :( Then we got ready, ate dinner, cleaned up the Cliffhanger (the place we eat), and headed to service. Worship was once again amazing! Spike came up and had them turn out the lights and made us turn from the stage and the leaders on stage turn from us. So all we saw were shadows of people in front of us and the wall. Then we were to just step out and do whatever we needed to so that we could fully enter into God's presence. We could dance, lift our hands, cry, kneel, lay down...whatever we needed to do!

That was followed by Monica Pankratz giving the word for the night. A little background here. 2 years ago we started going to this camp. At that time I was battling depression and insecurity was at it's peak in my life. The first day Monica (at that time Scott) spoke about insecurity and how she found her freedom from it. I saw her on Thursday of that week and told her what her sermon meant to me and that I really needed to hear it. She encouraged me and prayed for me. This time 2 years later she talked about the Holy Spirit and mindsets that hold us back. After she finished and they gave the call for those who wanted to receive the Holy Spirit Spike came up and said I want to pray for those that want to see the supernatural powers in their life. Now I've always had this wild idea that one day I would be able to speak and see someone healed...so with this dream in mind I made my way to the front. It was a little hard to focus when the person started praying for me because I heard her voice and went OMg it's Natalie!! Now just so you know I love Natalie. Her voice is amazing and I just love listening to her sing! So when I realize that she is right in front of me, that it's her laying hands on me...I flipped a little, I wanted to talk to her, to hug her, but I couldn't...oh well! After we prayed and sang the refrain of "You are Here" the girl next to me grabbed me and said, "You are a mountain and God's got you right where he wants you. Never let anyone or anything move you because you are his and you have his heart!" I headed back and was just so excited. I was jumpy and yelling and smiling and being crazy.

Then I look over and see Monica still at her seat talking to someone so I decided to head over and see if I could talk to her again. I got my chance. She looked at me and said "Why do you look so familiar?" After explaining that I had talked to her 2 years ago she asked my name and then said she remembered me. This time I didn't have to say I'm hurt, I'm struggling, I'm depressed, I'm insecure, I need help. This time I got to say thank you for speaking that word into my life two years ago. That word, that whole week, set me on my path to finding my freedom. She was so excited to hear it and again encouraged me and just rejoiced right along with me. The whole night was amazing I came away literally shaking!!

Quote: "When you are tested, whatever is in you will come out. If you aren't relying on God only your weaknesses will come out, not his strength." - Monica Pankratz

Here is part of the campus. The buildings are the dorms we stayed in.

Confirmation - 7/21/08

So camp officially started today. The beginning of the day was extremely boring with no one there and nothing open. Once people got there we went swimming and then I sang. I was pretty much forced to. At orientation the girl asked if anyone could sing. My youth group began pulling and pushing until I was fully standing and couldn't back out. Then it was time for our first evening session...after we served in the kitchen and looked like crazy people!! Worship was amazing as I knew it would be. My favorite song is called "You are Here" I'll put the bridge as my quote cuz it's totally cool!! Then Elijah Tindale spoke and told us funny stories. He talked about God interrupting your life to 1. show us who we are 2. show us where we are 3. show us where we need to go. As I look back now I see that my big interruption from God came 2 years ago from the same camp. Now I've finally been able to see the lies I have been told most of my life. He has blessed me so much with people that broke the stereotypes I had formed and made me realize that things can change and not every person is the same. I am so thankful for the friends I have and will have.

So there's the first official day. It's pretty short, but it was only 1/2 a day. As the week goes on some of them get pretty long...especially Wednesday...you'll see why when you read it.

Quote: "The same power that conquered the grave lives in me. Lives in me. Your love that rescued the earth lives in me. Lives in me." - Youth America (You are Here)

Head Start!

So this is the first of 6 blogs that will go throughout my week of camp! It begins with Sunday and will end with Friday (today). Each day something amazing happened and God moved in my life. My goal is to share this with you and maybe be able to speak into your life with every God has done in me just this week!! I will be writing it as if it is the actual day. I'll be using words in the present tense because I have it written down and it's hard ot change every word to the past so I'm being lazy sorry!

So today we got a head start at camp. Right now we are the only youth group here! It's very different without all the other people...but still lots of fun! We arrived just before 6 pm...which means we got to attend their Sunday night service. It was AMAZING!! It was just like being at camp...only the crowd was older. The front was full of old and young alike...which was really cool to see. Every time I've seen it, it's all be youth at camp! Then a guy talked about relationship, leadership, and even pain. It really spoke to me. It reminded me what my forgiveness for those that hurt me really means! Joseph wept for joy when he saw his brothers again. His response to their apology was "God used you to put me in the pit in order to preserve life." He talked about how both God and Satan use relationships to route or reroute us. So many times I can see in my life how both have used people to influence me. I now realize that I have a choice in how I handle things. I can become better...or I can become bitter...it's my choice.

After service we got to set up for the week we've all been waiting for! We had to set up chairs, fix them, fix again, fix again, fix again, and yet again. It went this was for most of the night til we finally got it right! But we met so super cool people! Hannah, Cameron, Leah...those are the three I worked with the most...I forget the rest of their names! It was fun though and really neat to get there early! I love it!!

Quote: "Those we avoid most are the ones that often know us best" - Elijah Tindale (Youth America Speaker)

It's Almost Here!!

So the week I have been impatiently waiting for for a year now is right around the corner!! Camp begins on Monday, but for my youth group it's starts on Sunday!! My youth pastor decided to stretch us this year (yeah!!) and take us Sunday shortly after church and head up to help set up the church that does this each year! I'm so excited I mean it's like an extra day of camp that we've never had before! I realize that Sunday and part of Monday will be more working than playing like we will the rest of the week, but that actually excites me!!

I am nearly done packing...have a few things of clothes that need to be packed away and of course those last minute items that if you pack them too soon you will have nasty teeth, messy hair, and no place for your head on your bed! So other than that I'm ready to go when they say let's head out!

I'm soooo excited...I mean a whole week of amazing worship, great speakers, and lots of God's word and truth!! I'm so ready to just dive in deep and prepare for me grueling upcoming senior year...it'll be tough and I'll talk more about my feelings on that after camp...something might change!

But really these weeks have always been a highlight of my year because it's a chance for me to just get away and grow closer to God and take home the things I learn. I remember one year I had been battling depression and insecurity for about a month before we left and this camp was just what I needed...the first night a speaker actually talked about overcoming insecurity...if that's not a God thing then I don't know what is!! It's always so much fun and this is a time when many of the younger girls have begun to look at me as a mentor. Right now I have 2 girls in the Jr. High part of the youth group that will pull me aside and tell me the things that are going on. I try my best to hold them accountable and ask how they are doing at school, what's going on at home, is there something we need to pray about and when there is they are fully open and honest with me about it. Plus it makes me watch what I do and say because I know they are looking up to me and if I do something and try to cover it up what example am I setting for them? They know of a few of my struggles, some of it I feel is too much for these young girls to have to know about and maybe one day when they are older and more mature I will tell them. My goal for these girls is to be someone they can trust and can turn to when their life falls apart and that they can look up to and see me totally trusting God and can follow that example. I want them to see God in everything I do and right now I know they do because they tell me and encourage me each week by thanking me for caring and by hugging me and just being open with me.

Anywho!! Please be praying for camp this coming week. Pray that our hearts would be prepared to see what God wants to do in our lives. Pray that we would be focused on God but not let go of our childhood by thinking that's all there is to our life. Pray that we would have fun, but be serious when God asks us to. Pray that we would all come back changed and challenged. But especially pray that whatever we leave camp with will continue to follow us home, as we get back into the routine of normal life, and that when school starts we can all stand strong and never let go of the awesome things he's going to do in our lives. Pray that we will be a youth group of Extreme Faith and will continue to grow even after we leave Oklahoma and head back here.

Quote: "For you did not recieve a Spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you recieved the Spirit of Sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba Father."
- Romans 8:15 (Verse used on topic of insecurity by Monica Scott or rather Pankratz now)

A New Thought!

Well first a burn update...it hurts still. I'm slightly blistered and sooooo tender it hurts just wearing a shirt and I can barely hold baby!!! Oh well the price I pay for having fun!!

Anyway...today I was reading my daily bible verse that I have emailed to me. Today's verse was 1 Samuel 21:24...and it actually knocked me off guard that it was in the exact words that it is. Here's what it says.

As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right. But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. (NIV)

It says basically that if I fail to pray for someone I myself have sinned against the Lord!! I know this verse says so much more than just that...but I had to read that part like 4 times to make sure that is really what is says! It is and I'm not sure why it makes me feel good...like I guess I feel like I'm doing something right by praying for people idk! But that verse just really sticks out to me and encourages me to keep it up and keep praying for you guys. And in return you must be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart.

Anyway that's all I got. Baby is crying and has been upset most of the day. Oh well must move forward...despite the pain of my skin!

Quote: "You've grown so much, but never ever become a "grown-up" promise?"
- Best friend in a letter to me for my b-day

It Hurts!!!

So yesterday I went to the water park with a friend of mine. It was totally fun and we got to talk about things that we hadn't talked about. She's older than me, but that's good...gives me someone to look up to and learn from. Anyway I kinda got a laugh about how my parents any time they are with friends they ALWAYS talk about my sis and I...kinda annoying...but now I've realized I can't get upset about it...I talked about them yesterday!

Anyway about the fact that it hurts...well I got burned bad! I don't think it will blister...it might though. My shoulders and back are bright red and the bottom part of my arm that was already sorta tan at least got slightly darker (I don't blind people with my arms anymore...just my legs!) Either way I had tons of fun and my sunburn has not made me lay down all day cuz I can still move and I've held baby and been fine despite the few twinges of pain felt.

Camp is getting closer!! It's kinda funny cuz my friend and her husband are leaving the day before we do for their vacation...and she hasn't started packing yet. I however have only a few more articles of clothing and the stuff that just can't be packed now...like my toothbrush and pillow! Now tell me who is more excited about going?? I'm excited and am working on preparing my heart and mind for the amazing things God is going to do! Only part of camp I'm not looking forward to...choosing beds! One of the girls determined like a month ago that me and her would get beds next to each other since it's my last year. My sis however wants that spot because it't the middle. Of course we have 4 girls going...it's crazy every year...and last year was chaos but that is a different story!

As far as why I pack so early! Part of it is excitment. Part of it is making it easier for my mom. If I have a clean shirt the week before that I plan on taking to camp...it's easier to set it aside and get it packed away than wear it and have her scrambling to get it to me before I leave. The rest of it is fear. Every year about now I have nightmares of leaving my stuff or forgetting it and then not being able to go. I try to put my mind at ease by making a list and the night before we leave I put it either right outside my room or by the back door. So maybe this year I'll be lite on the nightmares!!

I'm super excited about camp after my insecurity breakthrough. I think that for once I may be able to enjoy every aspect of the camp and not be scared of all the people that I don't know! I remember 2 years ago battling depression for about a month before heading off to camp...and that was a tough year. Now I might actually find even MORE freedom...because God is amazing and keeps pushing me forward in my growth!!

Ok I've blabbered long enough! Hope you all have a very blessed day whenever you read this!!

Quote: "Oh tell me you're here. That you will watch over me forever. Oh take hold of my heart. Show me you'll love me forever."
- Fireflight (Forever)

Learning...

So our adventure with the baby continues. She's got so many nick names already...I don't think she'll keep up!! Let's see there's Asileypa, Little Miss, PayDay, and of course little one, cutie, and baby at times. I also make sure to call her by her name so that she's knows that one for when she starts school.

She's getting settled...not as many tears. and yet to the unbelievability of some I have not yet been turned off of having kids...maybe that's because I still get my full nights rest!

Besides that I have something exciting finally coming up...YOUTH CAMP!!! We leave the 21st and will return the 25th. I have always looked forward to camp...ever since I started going in 6th grade! I always made my list of things to pack at least a week in advance...and the more I went the further away it was when I made my list. This year...I made it on June 6th!!! I am sooooo looking forward to camp...every year I have gone it has just been amazing!! I remember one year we were going to a new camp and I had been through some tough stuff that summer. I was looking forward to camp and knew that God would be working in my life and helpig me through it all. And it started on the first night. So this year I have no doubt it will be AMAZING!! It's finally time to start packing and getting everything together. It's about time!!

However the downside it...once camp is over school will come way to fast!! I'm not ready to think about school yet...so I'll just think about camp!!

Quote: "Ain't no party like a Holy Ghost party, cuz a Holy Ghost party don't...stop!!"
-Youth America 2006

Going CRAZY!!!

Ok well you would think after listening to this child cry for hours, I would never think of having kids right! Wrong, I've just decided it will be nice waiting for them to come...maybe like 10 years from now.

I've decided to stay away from the kid. Which will be hard cuz I love kids, you can ask anyone that knows me. And really I'm looking forward to the day that I have my own children, just as long as my parents stay at their home. Let's just say I've suddenly become worried about having my parents at my house when I have kids. Anytime the kid cries and I have her, i'm told what I'm doing wrong and how I have to do this and well never mind just give her to me. Ok let's look at this, right now I would think this would be an opportunity for my parents to teach me how to handle a smaller child. I've babysat for years but the youngest I've ever had is 6 months, of course they treat me like I have no expierence at all. I guess the reason I seem frustrated about that is because I'm really jsut jealous. My dad will be up in his office doing his own thing not bothering anyone, but Paisley cries and he's down there in less than a minuet. But when we need him or want him or ask him something while he's on that computer, it usually ends in us getting our heads chewed off or he puts us off until it's convienent for him.

It doesn't help that I'm facing being 18 and still TOTALLY dependent of my parents. Now before my b-day they quickly reminded me that they didn't leave home until my dad was 19 and my mom was 20 and had been married to him for a few months (they left a year apart). But really it's not the same. When they were 18 they both had jobs, a car, and my mom had already graduated high school...she really could have decided she was too sick of home to stick around for any reason. My dad hadn't graduated yet but still had some independence and didn't have to rely on his parents for everything. But I'm not sure either of them can't tell me the desire wasn't there. I guess I feel useless. I feel like I can't provide for myself when every part of me wants to. I can't escape the house especially right now because my license has expired. I desire some independence. Just a little please?? Maybe I'm overreacting, although I've had plenty of people tell me it's normal and happens to everyone. I've decided that 18 yr. olds have this chemical release that makes them want independence and the ability to finally care for themselves. I do wish my parents would stop acting like I don't listen to them. I can't seem to explain to them what I'm feeling and that makes this hard!! I want them to see that I'm trying hard to stick around and be happy about it and have a good attitude, but right now I feel like I'm just forcing it out of me. Oh well enough complaining.

Quote: "So help me God to let this go, to let this go. So help me God to break this hold to find myself."
- Fireflight (So Help Me God)

Paisley...

Sleep, cry, eat, cry, change diaper, sleep, cry, change diaper, cry, eat, sleep. Oh to have a baby in the house again. Now don't get me wrong, part of me is kinda enjoying this, but since I'm mostly just the keep the house together person, it's not as fun! I have gotten to feed her and put her to sleep, and listen to her cry, but that's about it. My mom woke me up at the most insane hour...when I looked at the clock it said 8:00...omg it's summer!! It didn't help that my mind was so restless last night. I kept thinking about things, some of them from as early as 3. I thought about how I could remember the set up of my room when we lived in El Paso right after LeAnn was born...crazy! Just random things like that! I got up at one point and went through my box of letters and such from people that I've been close to at some point in my life. I would pray for each person as I read their respective letters. Some of them I'm still privelaged to know, others I'm not. Many of them I was able to see how our relationship changed over time as I remembered how we gre apart or closer together. So then to wake up at 8 should have been illegal!

Please be in prayer for little Paisley. We knew when she was born that she would have some issues. She was a meth. baby and went through detox and all that fun stuff. She only weighed 3 lbs at birth and nearly 3 months later is only 8 lbs. Her eyes are sporatic and don't like to focus much. She likes to lay and look at our fan, but then her eyes almost spasm and then she focuses for a bit more and we are talking like less than a minute at a time. She can see at least some, I went to put her pasifier in her mouth and she opened before it had even touched her. So just be praying that she will gain wieght and that her eyes would settle and she would be able to see. I know that God cares about this little girl and he can heal her if it's his will, so I'm going to be praying for his healing. Well I'm super tired and should really get some more sleep...I'm sure more and more of this will be Paisley updates, because she's my life now whether I really want it or not, she's here for about 7 hours a day!

Quote: "Never put put off a hungry baby...it only ends in tears."
- Someone may have said it IDK...but if not, now I am!

SAT Scores...

So it occurred to me tonight that I haven't let you guys know about my SAT Scores. They were out online by June 26 and I got my paper ones in the mail today. The SAT is now scored out of 2400 with the essay. The highest you can get on each section is 800 points. So here's my score break down.

Critical Reading: 560 - 69th percentile (% people I scored higher than)
Mathematics: 480 - 37th percentile (not my strongest subject as you can tell)
Writing: 520 - 56th percentile
Essay: 6 out of a possible 12
Total: 1560

So basically I'm close to average. My math kills me even on the TAKS test (thank you God that I'm done with that!) and the SAT was no different. If I retake it, it will only be to make my math score higher. However, these scores are good enough to get me into college pretty easily...at least the ones I'm looking at getting into. I'm pretty satisfied, even though they aren't perfect dang! Really though it was hard. I think I did badly only because I got so tired so quickly. I mean we took this test for 5 hours and only had a total of 10 minutes for breaks. I had to get up at 6 in the morning to travel for an hour t osit for nearly another hour to take a 5 hour test. By the end of the day my nerves were shot. It doesn't help that I stress over test. I HATE them. I think they are a curse upon people. I understand the need for them, but that doesn't make me like them! You can ask my chemistry teacher, I almost got sick one day before my semester exam for my Ap World History class. I stress so much about them it's crazy!! I know it's something I need to learn to just give to God and let him have control of even my test. Kinda strange to think that he cares about me enough to even care about my test!!

On another note, today we celebrated the birthday of the mother of the wife of my grandfather's brother...figure that one out!! Basically I'm not really related to her in anyway except by the marriage of her daughter to my grandfather's brother who died 4 years ago...hard to believe it's been that long. Even though I'm not related to her she's still family to me. So anyway she turned 90 yesterday so we had a big party for her and everything. It was fun...this is the side of the family I'm actually able to enjoy. I still have my moments when I feel so very out of place. I'm the oldest of all the great-grandchildren on that side. Which makes me special, yet when the next are 3 and 5 years younger than me followed by 11 years...it kinda makes things awkward. But I still have fun with them despite it all. We played rock band, and surprisingly the times when they had me sing, i didn't fail. Even though I didn't know any of the songs on there!!

Well I would give more detail, but today is now yesterday making tomorrow today and yesterday 2 days ago...have I confused anyone yet? I love midnight!! I love my brain, thank you God for my wacky brain!! Plus I'm excited about church tomorrow...oh wait that's today! And I have to be able to wake up! Catch ya later!

Quote: "And I'm here to stay. Nothing can seperate us. And I know I'm ok. You craddle me gently. Wrapped in your arms I'm home."
- Fireflight (Wrapped In Your Arms) LOVE THAT SONG!!!