I'll Only Mess It Up

You know this title is a little ironic for me. I am in fact a bit of a perfectionist. (My friends and family may beg to differ and say it's more than just a bit, but they can think whatever.) One of my biggest fears has always been making a mistake. I hate even the thought of messing up. And when it does happen, I take it out on myself and find all the ways that I could have not messed it up...doesn't make for a pretty thought life! So it's interesting to me that I would be talking about this in such a way.

I'm talking about my life story. You know the whole "it's time to figure out what your next step will be, what will you do with the rest of your life?" awkward time! Gosh I have no idea! And if I were to answer that question...I would only mess it up. See things right now are not exactly going the way my perfectionist brain would love for them too. Right now I look at things and pieces aren't fitting together the way I want them too. I see holes and places that things should be happening, but aren't. My time line just isn't being put into place.

I have to give it to God. He has to write my story. If I do, I'll only mess it up. He knows exactly where it's going. Right now I'm in the stage of sitting right next to Him, watching him write. But I'm being that annoying child, or friend, or parent, or whoever and saying things like: "Shouldn't you be doing this?" or "Wait, isn't this supposed to happen now?" or "Why did you do it that way?" I'm letting him write it, but pointing out all the mistakes. One step away from taking the pen and writing it myself. But tonight as I struggled with one aspect of this story not going my way, I remembered the times I wrote the story myself.
I remembered the heartache I caused myself.
I remembered all the mistakes I made.
I remembered having to backtrack and go through things I thought I had avoided.
I remembered feeling so isolated from the God I so desire to serve.
I didn't want that again.
So I gave God control of the pen. Stopped looking over his shoulder for all the mistakes and said "You know best. You know my best. You know what is best for me. Nothing is a mistake when left to you. You are perfect, your plan is perfect, you way is perfect. I want that way, the best way, the perfect way."

That doesn't mean life is suddenly easy. I still have questions. I still wonder about some of these holes. I still want to know the next step. I'm still going to struggle with trying to take over, but in those times I have to remember that His plan is perfect and worth it all! Don't try to write your own story...you'll only mess it up. If you want perfection...give it to the only one who will ever be perfect! Give it to God...let Him write your story. It won't always go your way, but you won't have a life full of regret. You decide!