What is God doing????

Oh how I wish I didn't struggle with insecurity. Although honestly I think almost every person experiences a form of insecurity during their life. However for some of us...like myself...it is a constant struggle. Every year around this time it gets really bad. I don't struggle with it much any more...I no longer am totally fearful of everyone just leaving me or hurting me...and I am no longer losing relationships because I can't allow myself to get close. I do allow myself to get close and that is not something I regret. I'm actually glad I have chosen to trust God enough to allow myself to get close to Him and others as well. However at this time of year it is unavoidable that people are going to leave, and this year is no different...in fact it's a large number. Last year it was 3 people I was close to left...but we have managed to stay in touch...and I'm not much of a phone person, but I have had one girl get mad at me for not calling and such...changing that at least trying to! This year I have 9 people leaving. And it hurts really bad!! I've sat here and wondered why God would allow me to lose people again. Is it not enough to take people from me my whole life...bring someone else in who helps me heal...and then take them away as quickly as you brought them?? I'm not trying to be angry at God...but I really don't understand what he is doing!!! I was just beginning to enjoy high school...making friends and having fun with people. Setting my limits and enjoying being a witness to people with not only actions but, for the first time in my life, words as well!! And then bang I'm blindsided with people leaving. Not that any of them are leaving because they don't want to be around me...honestly that's pretty selfish thinking...I understand that I know that these people love me...many have taken care of me since freshman or sophomore year. The idea that they are leaving the school because they don't like me is insane!! So many things have happened recently that have just really hurt bad. My self-confidence is dropping and I'm trying so hard to see the big picture and to see the good that can come of this. All I see in front of me is evil...what is God doing??

Yesterday I was talking to my chem teacher and my mom came in and found me cuz she thought she had to give something to my choir director. She sat down and talked with her as well. And through the hour we spent I realized just how much this teacher cared about me. I knew she did...but I always found an excuse for it...I never let the reality sink in and I never allowed myself to believe that she could really care about me. But yesterday my mom mentioned that she had been such a great help through the struggle this year and she said "she has my heart and she knows it". I always have...but I never believed it could be...I thought she would just be another person that acted like they cared, but would only hurt me if I allowed myself to get to close.

last night at my choir banquet I found out that I didn't get the secretary office that I wanted so badly. I came home last night and just cried and took my anger out on God. I have been rejected from everything I have tried out for this year and it hurts!! I told my chem teacher this morning when I went to pick something up and she asked the same questions I have been asking. What's God doing? What plan does He have for me that must be big or else there wouldn't be so much hurt involved? It was one thing for me to think it...I could silence it...but to hear her ask the exact same thing it has stuck with me all day.

Her kindness, and others as well, cuts me deep. It cuts through all the lies I've told myself. It's tearing down the walls I've built up over my life. It's a sharp knife that refuses to relinquish it's hold until I understand that people care about me and I refuse to listen to the lies being fed to me. Right now I feel useless and worthless...but something about the things she said to me today challenge that very feeling that I once felt comfortable with. Suddenly I can't just hide from the fact that I've walled myself in...suddenly that kindness have reached my heart and it hurts. One person broke the stereotype that I had lumped everyone into and I'm healing. Even though that healing hurts...I'm healing just the same. I have no doubt that even when she leaves she will still care about me and will continue to break walls and knife her way into helping me heal just as God has called me to do...for by his stripes I am healed!!

Quote: "Heartache comes But the stories not done yet. When shadows come, your courage wants to fade Remember in a moment, everything can change. There’s always More to any story Than just what’s here and now There’s not one Hopeless situation That can’t be turned around"
- Point of Grace