Deep Thinking...it happens often ask my family

Well if you read my last blog I'm sure you can figure out what this one will be about. Guys, purity, and where I went wrong. See I've always struggled with purity. However due to circumstances as a young teen my fear of guys kept me far far away from them. So most of my purity issues have not involved any guy...until my ex of course...all of mine have been mental and of the heart.

A little background. I attach very easily to people. I reached a point a couple years ago that I was so scared of losing anyone that I held on tight to everyone. All they had to do was carry on a conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes and was kind and I didn't want to let them go. If someone at lunch sat with a friend I was sitting with and we began to talk...I wanted to talk again. Now this has obviously caused some problems...and it's obvious why it would. But really I got so tired of losing people that something in my mind began to think I could hold on...and I did. In 6th grade I had a "friend" that decided she didn't want to be around me anymore. This was in October (it's worth mentioning that it was less than a month after I became a Christian) I held on and held on...and I didn't let go until June!! Talk about holding on and tight!!! It wasn't the last time...it was just the beginning. Through the last 6 years I have held on...and usually lost...so many people. It's a weakness...only terribly highlighted by the events of camp. I hated it...but recognized it.

So there's the beginning of my problems. In 8th grade I lost multiple friends in a matter of days. I won't go into detail about how it all happened...just know that it hurt. And because it hurt I wanted out!! I don't deal well with pain...emotional or physical. So instead of facing (at that time) present and past pain I ran...as far away from healing as possible. And in running...my purity ran with me. Again I remind you this was mental and of my heart. So now I had to fight years of pain and regret. Of course now (as many of you have noticed) I have found my healing, my freedom, my restoration. But that was a long process and a painful one too.

So now you're wondering...what brought all this on? Well it's the focus of the reigning topic of "what's your story?" I keep finding it...at camp, in books (currently reading My Life Unscripted by Tricia Goyer) it's like forcing me to face and share my past. I written out my story...some of my close friends have read it but it's not done yet so not many have seen it. So it's down...it's written...and I just have to share it.

So my story...will be written...I will find full freedom...and I will learn to let go. Especially people I've talked to twice and may never see again. That doesn't mean I won't be sad though...it just won't control me.

Alright sorry it's kinda random...baby kept throwing me off track of my thoughts with her tears. Now I must watch her while mom goes and works around the house.

Quote: "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity" - Proverbs 17:17 (and a quick prayer that God would bring more brothers (well sisters) to uphold me at all times)

I Know It's Late...but I need to type!!

I've attempted sleep...and it didn't come. I've been thinking...hard. I've had some chances to talk out my whole coming-home-from-camp saga the last couple of days. I took it out on God...let him know how much it hurt...how much I wanted to go back and be around those people again...how much I don't want to face the people at school...and did I say how much it hurts!!! Really it does. And tonight...well it lessened...but it also worsened. See we went over to a families home from our church. They are fairly new and we hadn't really had a chance to get to know them. However my dad use to work with this guy so they had a background with each other. They are an amazing family. They both just encouraged my parents and just talked for hours with each other. They have a daughter a few years younger than my sister, but close enough that they can chill with each other. They've asked me if I would be willing to come over and hang out with this girl when they need me to sorta as a babysitter, but at her age it's not the same. We also got to meet the lady's oldest daughter and husband. They were really sweet and also joined easily into the conversation. The husband has us three girls rolling with laughter and we got to watch the dvd of them skydiving. However I found out over the course of the evening that neither of them had dated before meeting the other. Totally cool to me!! To be honest I wanted to have that same testimony...I wanted to be able to say my husband is the first man I ever dated. I can't. Now I don't view my previous relationship as a chip on my shoulder and now I'm not perfect...heck I already wasn't!! But I always dreamed of saying that my husband was the first to hold my hand, to hold me tight, to kiss me (although I can still say that). Then I saw something that looked good. It felt good. And at the time I thought it was good. I thought that this could be the guy I married. I "prayed" about it. My prayers went like this: God this guy is amazing and I thank you for giving me someone that I can be myself around. I thank you for giving me a relationship. Now I look at that and see my backwards thinking. See as I got to know the guy...I realized that I couldn't really be myself. He thought me crazy for dancing in church. He questioned over and over why I wanted to and enjoyed speaking in tongues. he would tell me to "be careful" in my spirit-filled church because "things could and have gone wrong." My thinking always was "umm yeah we are human. We make mistakes. When we make one we have to repent, but God's not going to not forgive you becuase you made a mistake that took a whole church down...you just have to repent."

I always kinda felt like my freedom was crushed. Like I had to explain evey aspect of my faith. Now to me there is a difference between defending and explaining my faith. Defending is saying I believe this and I desire this and you can't tell me what to believe because I know it's true. (of course anyone from another religion also believes they are true...moe on that another time) Explaining my faith sounds more like this: "Well I do this because my Bible says it's okay to do it and I enjoy it and well it interests me." or "Umm because, well, umm, see it's like this." I don't see that in a relationship with a "boyfriend" that I should have to explain my faith...I believe that he should always be encouraging me and uplifting me.

Another thing...I could never be alone to work things out. Now I can see if we were married working things out with him. But we had only been dating a month and my begging and pleading for him to give me space so that I could work through my self-confidence problem...resulted in a load of hounding quesitons and no space. I wasn't enjoying life or my time with him. In fact I found myself dreading his very presence. I had more fun when he wasn't around. His idea of fun is getting hurt...if it doesn't involve physical pain...it's not fun. Ok well I don't like pain so we had no common ground on the fun factor.

Now it wasn't all bad. But I don't miss him and really I halfway regret my decision to date him. I regret the day he held my hand. I regret the way he held me. I regret the times he said I love you. I regret literally forcing myself to reply because I thought this was the guy. I regret thinking that God had this guy for me...when really he has someone so much better that I can actually enjoy being around.

I don't regret his wisdom of the Bible. I don't regret explaining my faith and beliefs (I just didn't enjoy it). I don't egret taking my stand of purity and not allowing him to kiss me and laying that down before we even began dating. I just wish I could look at my future husband and say I left it all for you. But I can't. I've got a restored mental and emotional purity (thank God for his restoration) and I've had a pretty physical relationship with one person...as physical as holding hands and cuddling can be...cutting it close though. I know that God has someone in mind and when the time is PERFECT I will find him and I will know without a doubt that he is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. And I will actually take the time to pray about it...really.

I know this blog was sorta a rant...I apologize...but when I'm thinking so hard I can't sleep I must write (or in this case type).

Quote: "I will date (again) when there is a purpose" - Friend of mine

Departure 7/25/08 ----> Shock...

Well it's time for us to pack up and leave. We had to totally clean out the dorm for our final check out. We stopped by the Cliffhanger to eat our final camp breakfast consisting of donuts and muffins. I had the chance to say one final goodbye to my new friends. Although you guys know that I never say goodbye...so it was "see you on Facebook!" and "See ya next year!" All three of the girls had weeks the were encouraging me to intern for...of course it didn't matter once they allowed me to inform them that God had laid it on my heart to do all 3. It comes with a price (about $275) but I know that God will provide if it really is a part of his plan. No tears were shed...I still have hope of seeing them again...why should I cry. (to bad that mentality left me by Saturday...I really do miss them)

As you have read throughout these blogs, God did many amazing things in my life. He's transforming my mindsets that actually make living easier. He made me face the fact that I still have a long way to go. And that maybe I still let fear rule my life than I'm really ready to admit...otherwise there wouldn't have been as many tears on Wednesday. Returning home has been really hard this year. A week just didn't seem long enough. I really miss it and miss the people there.

Also please be in prayer for a former friend of mine. We were friends in 5th grade and part of 6th grade until we had a falling-out with each other. I don't know much about what happened to many of the people in that class. I know that many of them have remained the same, though some have changed for the better. However this one girl I just found out yesterday is pregnant and is due in February. Of course this has me thinking a lot...I'm so sad for those girls and guys in the class. I may have been scorned by them...but God has held me in his arms and has carried me through that. Now I have great friends...ones that care about me and love me. And in some cases live hundreds maybe a thousand miles away. And although it hurts to be away from them...I'm still glad to have them and to be able to call them my friends.

Quote: "Most things in life will never be overcome in our own strength." - Natalie Pankratz

PS: In case you didn't figure it out this is my final camp blog. From now on I might mention camp but there will be no details of things going on there because I am no longer at camp. My life is pretty boring right now so it might take some work to find something to write about. Thanks to all of you for taking the time out of your day to share in my testimony of camp. Next year will be even longer...hahahaha then I'll have 3 whole weeks to cover!!! Looking forward in anticipation for it!!