Deep Thinking...it happens often ask my family

Well if you read my last blog I'm sure you can figure out what this one will be about. Guys, purity, and where I went wrong. See I've always struggled with purity. However due to circumstances as a young teen my fear of guys kept me far far away from them. So most of my purity issues have not involved any guy...until my ex of course...all of mine have been mental and of the heart.

A little background. I attach very easily to people. I reached a point a couple years ago that I was so scared of losing anyone that I held on tight to everyone. All they had to do was carry on a conversation that lasted more than 10 minutes and was kind and I didn't want to let them go. If someone at lunch sat with a friend I was sitting with and we began to talk...I wanted to talk again. Now this has obviously caused some problems...and it's obvious why it would. But really I got so tired of losing people that something in my mind began to think I could hold on...and I did. In 6th grade I had a "friend" that decided she didn't want to be around me anymore. This was in October (it's worth mentioning that it was less than a month after I became a Christian) I held on and held on...and I didn't let go until June!! Talk about holding on and tight!!! It wasn't the last time...it was just the beginning. Through the last 6 years I have held on...and usually lost...so many people. It's a weakness...only terribly highlighted by the events of camp. I hated it...but recognized it.

So there's the beginning of my problems. In 8th grade I lost multiple friends in a matter of days. I won't go into detail about how it all happened...just know that it hurt. And because it hurt I wanted out!! I don't deal well with pain...emotional or physical. So instead of facing (at that time) present and past pain I ran...as far away from healing as possible. And in running...my purity ran with me. Again I remind you this was mental and of my heart. So now I had to fight years of pain and regret. Of course now (as many of you have noticed) I have found my healing, my freedom, my restoration. But that was a long process and a painful one too.

So now you're wondering...what brought all this on? Well it's the focus of the reigning topic of "what's your story?" I keep finding it...at camp, in books (currently reading My Life Unscripted by Tricia Goyer) it's like forcing me to face and share my past. I written out my story...some of my close friends have read it but it's not done yet so not many have seen it. So it's down...it's written...and I just have to share it.

So my story...will be written...I will find full freedom...and I will learn to let go. Especially people I've talked to twice and may never see again. That doesn't mean I won't be sad though...it just won't control me.

Alright sorry it's kinda random...baby kept throwing me off track of my thoughts with her tears. Now I must watch her while mom goes and works around the house.

Quote: "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity" - Proverbs 17:17 (and a quick prayer that God would bring more brothers (well sisters) to uphold me at all times)