I've Caught a Virus...

Ugh...there is this rapidly mutating virus that is by no means new to our world. It's been around for generations, but no one has found a cure for it. Usually it attacks high school students. Most freshman and sophomores are safe, but juniors and seniors are the virus' main victims. It's a fatal virus to anyone who doesn't get treatment ASAP Many try to ignore it and just keep waking up everyday anyway. Some are proactive and actually get some help. Others seem completely oblivious to even having it and just continue to sleep. Students all over the world have been warned to watch out for it, and yet they never even see it coming until all of the sudden it's too late. Normal signs of this virus are: inablility to wake up in the morning, insistance on staying up late, avoiding homework at all cost, teachers compliaing they are sleeping in class, decrease in grades, deep frown when walking away form school, incessant desire to skip even just one day.

Have you heard of it? They tried to tell me, but I didn't listen, and now it's all over for me. I caught the senioristist virus!!! It's true. I have a very hard time getting any work done and I would rather spend all my time at my job than anywhere else. When I'm away I want to be at work...and when I'm at work...I don't want to leave. Homework is so hard to finish. Test are impossible to study for. As I realize that I only have 3 months exactly from today until graduation. Can you believe that?!! I can't really! I still remember my first day as a freshman...and I was so self-concious and lost.

I'm actually planning to do a blog at the end of the year about the changes from freshman to senior year and all the growing up that I've gone through. It should be interesting...I hope! :) Anyway...anyone you know got that virus? If so there really is no cure...except keeping each other going until graduation day comes!!

Quote: "She's a senior, she's got other things on her mind" - European History teacher (one of my faves...and yet I still can't get her homework done!!)

Let Me Take a Moment...

APOLOGY: I'm so sorry I haven't been keeping this updated. I've gotten so caught up in keeping Facebook updated because most of my friends read that not this. I am trying to at least copy the stuff form there to here, but often forget. If you have been keeping up with it I really am sorry and will be posting more stuff!!


Let me take a moment to tell you just how awesome and amazing my God is! I struggle a lot (what's new there...everyone does). In fact nearly everyday is a consistent mind battle about relationships. Some things totally set me off and I get so disappointed and scared of people leaving me. And it's not just one or two, it's usually any person that I am close to at all. I get just terrified, often to the point of physical illness and pain (like head and stomach pains) that for whatever reason they will all decide they want nothing to do with me anymore.

I had one of those moments on Friday. Believe it or not it came because I was trying to play my guitar. I can't exactly figure out the strumming. Got the chords down, but now how do I strum in such a way that beautiful music is made?? I have no answers to that question and the internet wasn't helping answer it. I got frustrated with myself. And then it just transformed into some weird idea that all my friends were going to be ditching me. I know how I got there, but you guys don't need those details.

Anyway so now I'm upset about this musicless guitar and I sit on my floor in tears. However I had the presence of mind to pick up my Bible and open it. I went to 2 Corithians 5:17 cuz it was the first verse that came to mind. I read it and cried some more because it talks about being a new creation, which was far from what I saw in myself at that moment. Thinking of that made me cry even more. But then my God moment came. I still had my Bible open on my lap. At one point I looked down and back at my Bible. Only this time instead of looking at 5:17 I looked at 7:4 which says this: "I have great confidence in you; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds."

Alright now imagine you are in the middle of a battle. You are swarming in lies and can't get past them for the truth. And then you read that. My God, has confidence in me. He takes pride in me. Now in the context of the book, Paul is telling this to the church at Corinth. But these are things God has told me before, and I think he took my visual learning and used it. I saw it, not just forming it in my head. There it was on paper for me to see.

Now tell me that my God isn't amazing!! Tell me that he doesn't show up in the worst of our hurt and give you the truth when you search for it. He says in Jerimiah 29:13 that if we seek him with all of our heart we will find him. Sometimes in order to seek him with all of our heart we have to be down in tears seeking answers and healing.

As far as my battle goes, I read a think the other day from a guy who is dealing with different fears, but fears nonetheless. One of the things he said was that his fear would no longer control him. That it may take a daily death to release the control to God, but they would no longer control him. I have to die daily. I have to daily get on my knees and say HELP!! And when I do that...I will make it. And guess what I won't have to worry that I haven't talked to someone in a week so that must mean they don't want to be my friend. Yes those thoughts really do go through my head.

So anyway I just wanted to take that moment to share that my God is big and he cares for us and he loves us. Love you guys so much!!!

Fighting...and crying...

Oh today was another hard day!! On that note I can always tell when I'm heading down the right path with God...my days are rarely easy. Some days God will give me a break and I can breathe, but if I'm really in the right direction (especially if I'm fighting a certain area like now) things come at me all the time!! Anyway...yeah today was not easy. In fact it was probably the hardest in a week. I was in tears at school...doing my best to hold it back. But it didn't last during 2nd period, I laid my head on my desk and cried for just a little bit...long enough to get it out but not for them to worry about me.

I fell asleep during 1st, cuz I was really tired this morning, and had this dream. I was at home group (or at least with the same people at the same place, maybe not same time) and pretty much totally secluded myself. My friend tried to come over and make sure I was okay and I just freaked out on her. I ran outside in tears telling God that I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve their love, I didn't deserve for them to stick around for any length of time. No one had before, why should any of them. Some of the girls came out and tried to comfort me and held me, and yet the whole time I just kept saying "I don't deserve it" I wanted to run. And then I woke up...ready to cry. I grabbed my Bible and my notebook that I now take with me almost everywhere, and began to write. Writing, for me, is theraputic which is why I write all of this down. I am so confused about what are lies and what are truth. Most of it is so easy to believe. I know the truth, but I'm finding it hard to seperate the lies from the truth. I'm not sure why, I've been reading my Bible everyday...even when I haven't wanted to or whatever...and it never ceases to amaze me when I do finally read it.

I want so badly to be a good friend. I've heard all my life that to have friends you have to be a friend. I try so hard, but all my relationships have been either me helping them through something or them helping me through something...never both ways. The greatest desire of my heart is to have someone (I'll be happy with just one) that I can hang out with and talk to about anything and be there for them when they need me to be. And part of me is ready to give up that desire. God has never failed me, and every time he's given me exactly what I need in the perfect time. But I am still ready to give up the desires of my heart because I don't see that they will ever come.

Yesterday, My friend's mom sat with me outside and we got to enjoy the most beautiful part of creation (ok it's tied for first, seeing the sunset on the cliff at Lake Texhoma was pretty awesome too!!) and we just talked, mostly about books and school, but I still enjoyed it. Someone took time with me. An older (she's six years older than me) friend used to be the only one and I love her for it, but I had begun to wonder if she would be the only one.

I know that in my own way I'm pushing them away. They might not know it now, but I feel it. As I pull away out of fear, I push them away too. I got through the day and can now smile, but I'm still scared. I'm still ready to cry. I want things to change, I want to be a good friend to people, someone that people can count on, but I want to have people I can count on too. I'll fail them plenty, and they will too, that's just being human, but when they do fail, it's up to me to let them back in again.

Ok so those are my feelings on the day. God is really drawing me to him, that much I know. I will get through this, I will survive, he will never give me more than I can handle. I will make it and have close friends that I can actually have fun with...not just feel like a lump on a log taking up space. Sorry if this is super depressing for you to read...One day...you'll hear about how amazing my day was...but until then I'm making myself transparent so that maybe this healing process can go a little faster than the last few times. Thanks to those of you who are helping me through this...I looke forward to the day when we can look back at this and see my growth...and God's power through it all!!! :)

Quote: "Listen to her now, broken is a beautiful sound. She's a little scared. She's afraid of falling further down. But maybe if you let her know, and gave her just a little hope, somehow if she knew the truth, she'd come alive." - Fireflight from their song "More Than a Love Song" off their Healing of Harms cd!