Late Night Thoughts

Currently it is 12:30 in the morning. By the time I finish this it will probably be closer to 1 or 1:30. See I really have not been sleeping well lately...and it could be my own fault. Holding on to too much, trying to figure things out, work out details that may or may not arise...letting go of that might allow more sleep!

But you know the last few days, weeks, and months even have really been a chance for me to learn so much. I mean you often hear that God is most relevant to you when you are struggling. You get on that mountain and forget who put you there. Once you reach that valley, you remember. Guess that is where God has taken me recently, through that valley to teach me more in the 9 months since graduation than I learned in 13 1/2 years of school. (Side note: I left 1st grade after a semester and restarted the next school year)

I really have learned a lot. From verses I've read, to things people have talked about, ABF classes, Bible studies, sermons, campus visits...just learning, growing, and seeking to get everything I can from God!

About a year ago I made the decision to stop the movement on plans I had made in 10th grade. I decided to stay at home, go to a community college, and keep working rather than leave my new job and church for a school 45 minutes away. It was the first time I actually prayed about a major decision. I struggled to understand why God would ask me to do things differently. I did not see any benefit coming from this change of direction, yet I knew deep in my heart that God had a bigger and better idea!

Tonight I met a guy who has written a book called Plan B . Basically it is this idea that things do not always go our way. Bad things happen. The road takes unplanned turns. Sometimes they hurt, a lot. Sometimes it causes friction in relationships. Sometimes it makes you question if God is there, if He is listening, if He even cares about you. Plan B isn't your plan. It isn't the easy road. It isn't in your control anymore. When you fall into Plan B, you fall into the tender hands of God as He says, "wait, I have something better for you."

If you had told me a year ago that I would be even considering going into ministry, I would have laughed. I would have told you that it just isn't practical to go into ministry. It's great for someone else, but me I need security somewhere! Now when someone says that to me, I feel for them. Because in a year I have realized that NOTHING of this world is ever guaranteed. I could get a PhD in Chemistry and not have a job. I could go to a 4 year university and be so in debt by the time I graduate I have to move in with my parents again. I could do it my way and totally fail. I could go my way and struggle just to finish college. I'm smart...college should not be a huge challenge for me, but if I'm outside God's will it could be!

Now I know security lies in the arms of my Savior! In Him I have more riches than a degree can buy. I have more joy than any fancy car can offer me. I have more peace than any amount of money can give me. I am wrapped up in the arms of my lover with peace overwhelming me in the storm, love seeking me in the garden, hope finding me in the darkness.

Guess what else, I am so excited about going into ministry! My passion and desire for life are growing everyday! I'm not just talking about passion for my life, but for the lives of others! I play guitar pretty much every day because it warms my soul just to have 10 minutes to praise God with it! I dream of leading people in worship. I see it every time I am practicing on stage at church even though I have never been on that stage in front of people! Today because I know that it's not about practicality but obedience, I am excited about something! I am excited about serving God not only in life but in career too!

So many verses that God has showed me and taught me in the last year run through my head as I write this. Because following Plan B is never easy, and many times it's hard to see how it could be in God's perfect will. I'm reminded of Romans 8:28 that promises us good. 2 Timothy 1:7 and Joshua 1:9 which tell us not to be afraid. Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us of His plan. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast our cares on Him. There are so many more!! I don't have my Bible right here so I'm not flipping through to find the ones I can't remember where they are haha.

If you are reading this, pray for me, for my family, for my friends, and those I come in contact with. I heard someone preaching one time say that when we are tested, whatever is in us is what will come out. Recently, some not so wonderful things have come out. I forget to love others. I forget to put them first. I become selfish and uncaring. I am not saying it's all been bad, I have had moments when I see God shining out of me instead of me and I can't help but love Him more! I'm sure all of you reading this totally understand both sides. We are human after all, not even God expects us to be perfect. That's why He sent Jesus, so He can be for us!

What about you? What has God been showing you? Through difficult times or simple ones, have you been pressing in and learning through every stage of life?