Kinda a Heavy Subject...

First of all allow me to appoligize for going nearly a week without posting anything new. This have been CRAZY around here with so many things going on and not much time to just write. And the time I have had I just haven't had much of anything to say...things are rough and usually when I begin to feel pressure it becomes hard to write anything for a while because my brain blocks up!! I will warn you now...this is a very personal blog. Something said in here have not been said to many people. I want to be open and honest today, and I want all of you to see just how much work God has done in me!!

If you have read my mom's blog you know that my sister is having a very difficult time with life right now. We deal with things differently in that once I notice something is wrong I find a way to run to the only one who can save me...Jesus!! When I was 14 I began attempting to face the things that happened in 6th grade. However it hurt to much and I ran from it. I put it deeper into myself and then hurt myself even more. I began to get sucked into the trap of pornography in order to hide from the hurt of my life. My parents found out within a few months and we took steps to free me from the trap. At first it worked, but since I had not learned to fully trust and rely on God I fell HARD!! I found a way to get around my parents...they couldn't see the conversations had with other people in chat rooms, that didn't even present themselves as chat room. My sexual sin got worse and worse, but through it all I hid it, no one knew. In fact at this point there are only about 3 people who know all the things I did during that time in my life. I thought I was helpless and felt myself sinking further daily. I wanted to die, but would never attempt more out of fear than any desire to live. I wanted so badly for someone to care, and had only been saved for about two years. I didn't have friends at school or at youth group, the one I did have was about 12 years older than me. I felt very alone, lost and afraid. I had no idea that there was any way out, I only knew where I was an that it hurt being there. I needed a change, things had to turn around, I would explode and make more bad decisions. I thought I could fight it and make it all better. If I just stopped it maybe it would all just go away. But that wasn't my answer and only made things harder.

It wasn't until my freshman year that God finally stepped in once I opened up just enough. He brought in a person who went to our church. She hadn't been saved extemely long, only about a year I believe. My mom started talking to her at our Memorial Day picnic we have every year, but this was the first time we decided to go, truly a God thing!! I got on the boat with my mom and some others, the other person came too, and my mom introduced us. We talked for a bit and I knew that I liked her I wanted to know her...something told me I should. A few days later we had a youth event. We all went bowling and guess who came...the girl from the lake!! We talked and talked and before we left we exchanged numbers for future talking. I had begun to pray attempting to talk to God about all that was going all. I was falling harder and needed someone to step in and help me change! We texted each other for most of the night, then every night after that we lost lots of sleep just talking about nothing most of the time. I finally asked her to help me out and put my life on the line and trusted her. I told the things I had done for so long, and broke down I tears when she just said she would do what she could and would keep me in her prayers. I hadn't expected that one...I was expecting to be scoffed at and told I was so wrong and I just needed to get over it and move on. If there is anything I've learned sadly it's not that easy!! We talked about it all and planned some times to get together. I would call or text her when facing severe temptation and within a few months could get through without her and learned how to call on God just as she would tell me!! I still struggled for a looooong time. My freshman year was hard at every turn. My faith wasn't my own and all my friends knew it. They knew that I had the background at least, but any time they asked why I did something different...I always put it back on my parents!!

My freshman year was followed by about a month of SEVERE depression. I stayed in my room and cried all the time. I hardly ate and circumstantially lost a large amount of weight. I wanted to cut, but unless I'm really into a sports game I don't deal well with pain!! The desire was there though, and I'm sure had anything else gone wrong I would have gone over the edge. I suddenly had to face what happend in 6th grade. I had to face too the fact that my best friend had moved away at the beginning of my 8th grade year. I sank in again to pornography and chat rooms...I always found a way to never be found out. I stopped talking to the one person that listened because I was sooooo sure she would be gone that summer. She got married about a week before my birthday and I was positive that things would change so much she would no longer have time for me. I spent the whole day before her wedding in tears, only stopping an hour before we had to be there so that no one at church would know my pain.

That year at camp it was everything I needed. The first night they talked about insecurity and how a person got through that. I knew then that I needed help still and they prayed over me. In fact the last night (the night of tears) we had an alter call for those who knew they had been called to lead. I knew I had, just didn't know where. So I went up. They had counselors pray over us, not just ours but others as well. A guy came and prayed for God to guide me and help me through the pain I was feeling. Then just as I thought he was finished (and by the step away he took I think he thought so too) and came back and said "God free her from fear. Allow her to be free from the fear that paralyzes her daily. Her heart is open, mold her God she's ready." In that moment with those words, my life finally changed!!

Now I can say it's been a whole year since my last porn run in. I know that I'm free and I love passing that knowledge from myself to another. I've never gotten anyone saved before, but those that have been I've told them most of my story and of my freedom too. My sophmore year my faith became mine. The difference in me was my choosing no one else's. I wanted to be diffrent and pride myself in it. And just for the record, on my friend got married, we still remained close, in fact we are closer now than we were even then!! I still have my struggles, I always will just because I'm human. But now I know who to turn to when things get all discombobulated!! And when seeking direction sometimes I still talk to mom, or a wise friend...cuz now I have been blessed with 2!!! Ok well This is probably really long, but I really wanted ot share with whomever is reading this my testimony. I would be no where without my savior that called me back to him even after I turned my back and said I wanted nothing to do with him. I've never regreted me decision since then to follow Christ. The best choice I've made ever!!!

Quote: "I surrender all to you, all to you."
- Lincoln Brewster