Letting Go of Hurt...

So through this whole ordeal that has happened over the last weeks I've have time for deep introspective searching and healing. So much has happened in my lifetime that has hurt for one reason or another.

We moved here when I was 5 causing me to leave everything I had become accustomed to along with all my friends I loved dearly. Moving here caused great pain that made me become extremly introverted avoiding all things...especially if it had to do with church. I was a closed box despite the effort of people to open me up...I refused! I was actually failing 1st grade after finishing out my K5 year at my new school...I hated it even though I never voiced my opinion. My parents pulled me out at Christmas, and I tried again the next fall at another new school...again leaving behind friends. I did better and I enjoyed school again and made more new friends...lost some for stupid reasons...but otherwise I did ok. I kept my grades up and then found myself in the 4th grade changing schools again.

My parents left me the choice of staying at my current school or going to a private school. I'm not sure why God allowed me to choose the private school...I got there and wanted to go back to the other one. I hated my new school. The teachers were great, my grades were good, but the students treated me horribly. I didn't realize at 10 that by 12 I would be living in my own personal hell for a year. Of course changing schools meant again leaving friends...only this time I couldn't make many. The students avoided me...to this day I'm not fully sure why...a few were civil to me and some even began to talk to me and become friends with me. However by 5th grade 1/2 our class moved...and with it every person who was kind to me went too!

6th grade was even worse because I had NO ONE. The one I had betrayed me...the other 2 moved away. It hurt the things they said and did and eventually what they said was what I was. It became the very center of my being, their words defined me. I searched for God, and found him, but rejected him because I hurt to much. I became comfortable with the way things were, I thought I was meant to be worthless and no good. I saw no way that anyone would ever think differently of me. There were two however that did.

They were both at my church...and reached out to me despite my pushing them away. They tried to redifine my beliefs of myself, but I had become so comfortable with the lies I refused to see anything else. Eventually God took them from me as well. I stayed in touch with both for awhile, but for some reason I one day never heard form them again.

I graduated from the private school and went back to public refusing to even go to a private school again. Things got a little better. A few girls got to know me and one stood up for me all the time and I stayed with her group through 7th grade. We were always hanging out and a few of the girls in her group got jealous of me and held nothing back...but she was always there to set the straight and make sure I was still trusting her that she was always there for me. I think somehow she knew that I had all these lies about people and myself inside that needed time before they were proven wrong in my mind. In 8th grade...she moved away! My life fell apart AGAIN!! The group fell apart and all their hate of me came out. I did have a few people to hold me together...but it just wasn't the same.

In 9th grade God brought another person into my life who was able to keep me out of the trouble I'm sure I would have gotten into had she not been there to be my Godly council. She helped me through many rough spots and God be praised she still is!! She's stuck by me through so many mistakes and always reminded me that God sticks by me too!! In 10th grade he introduced someone else who could keep me on track, my chemistry teacher. These two have been the voices that feed me truth about myself. As you can see now my insecurity was boiling inside of me always ready to explode. I pushed them away many times. I often came up with excuses about why they couldn't really care for me. I'm always fearing that one day they'll just forget me and no longer want anything to do with me. I know in my mind and a little in my heart that this is not true, but sometimes that lie likes to poke it's head out and remind me of the hurt of some many. People have been a source of great hurt and great healing. I have determined that my friends from choir that graduated last year and my chemistry are people that though they have moved a little further away I refuse to not do my part in keeping them a part of my life. I know they care about me...I mean they have proven it in the most simplest ways that for awhile I didn't recognize. Well I had to get all that out...it's been bugging me. Since this is relativly long...the rest will be posted within the next couple of days. Thanks to those of you reading this!!

Quote: "I wanna believe. I wanna believe in love again. I wanna belive. I wanna belive in love again. Tired of living this way. Tired of everyday. Can you please help me? I wanna break through. I wanna belive you."
- Britt Nicole